You may think asking the guy you’re dating about their ex is a bit ‘cray-cray’. But what if I told you that by doing this, you could potentially reduce your chances of being hurt?
I have recently decided that this is something we should try asking early on. Here’s why:
I matched with the guy I was recently dating on Tinder. Let’s call him “Lemon”.
After my first date with Lemon I wasn’t sure if he was my type, but I wanted to give him a chance because he seemed sweet, kind and most of all very keen. So what else does a girl need?
He came along at a good time too. Shockingly, I had just found out that my first love was in a coma and in a critical condition, so I welcomed the distraction.
Lemon turned out to be a good distraction and a supportive one at that. He let me talk about the situation whenever I needed to (which wasn’t very often – I didn’t want to scare the guy!) And always asked how I was doing. He was very supportive and when my friend died, he was there to comfort me in one of my darkest moments … He came over after the funeral and brought me dinner. He saw me drunk and crying in my pyjamas, with makeup all down my face. He saw me in a vulnerable place and I let him.
I was happy to have him around to be there for me. He didn’t have to be, but he chose to be. He obviously wanted to – so that was nice.
He was very attentive. The whole time we dated, he messaged or called me every day and often told me that I made him happy. Therefore, I thought it was going somewhere and I was pleased that I had given him a chance.
We dated for five weeks. OK, so you may be thinking that five weeks isn’t a very long time and I know it’s not. But the quality of the relationship was such that after many months of not “seeing anyone”, it was the first time in very long time that I let someone into my home, into my life and into my little world.
As you may have guessed from reading this, like most of my posts, this wasn’t a dating story that ended happily ever after.
Our last date was on a Wednesday. We went out for dinner and a comedy show and like our previous dates had a great time, with lots of laughs and intimate moments. The following morning he sent me a text asking how I was and we made plans for him to have dinner at my place the following Saturday night.
On the Saturday afternoon, he called me to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to come over as he was tired from work. I thought it was a little weird, as being tired isn’t much of an excuse. So I was a little worried and I had a sick feeling in my stomach – it felt like something was off. Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and to remain positive and hopeful, I told myself that I was just being silly and got on with my day. In his text he also said that he would call me that evening. That call did not come, but even so, I was hopeful.
The next day, he confirmed my feeling; he confirmed that I wasn’t just being silly… I now know to always trust my gut. My gut is ALWAYS right!!!
He called me to tell me that his ex-girlfriend had contacted him and he went to see her. They had broken up a couple of years previously but he said that after seeing her, he was confused and realized that he still had feelings for her. I asked what that meant for us. He basically told me that that is why he doesn’t usually date (that was the first I had heard this!), that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and that he just can’t be with anyone right now.
Code for “I’m getting back together with my ex-girlfriend?” I think so.
As you can imagine, I was in shock and disappointed. I didn’t say much, I didn’t know what to say. I was just annoyed and fed up – fed up of dating!!!
He knew I was upset – my stony silence was undoubtedly the give away! He said he would call me that night. He never did. I never saw Lemon again.
“It obviously wasn’t meant to be, he obviously wasn’t the one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
I cannot help but wonder that if this was something we had discussed would I have sensed or somehow discovered that he still had feelings for his ex, eventuating in me ending things with him earlier and never getting disappointed in the first place?
There is never any guarantee of course, but perhaps if we approach the subject lightly early on, we can get an idea for whether or not the guy still has feelings for his ex, why they broke up and when.
So, next time you begin dating a guy….. Not on the first date of course, but after a few and if he hasn’t already broached the subject, ask; “So when was your last relationship?” Just casually, that’s it, nothing too serious! If he spills too much, rattles on about it for the entire date, gets really drunk, angry and/or cries…. Then run, run Forrest run!
If he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, and I mean not one word at all, then you may want to at least jog…. And see what he comes back with (if anything).
If he is able to talk about it calmly and briefly, without any scary or psycho stories, then you should be pretty safe. You can walk out of the restaurant with him, perhaps even holding his hand.
Again, there are no guarantees. Perhaps Lemon didn’t have any feelings for his ex-girlfriend until he saw her again. We will never really know.
So maybe broaching the subject of the ’Ex’ early on is not so ‘cray-cray’ after all – what do you think?
If you’ve been following my blog for a while you would know by now; I have to look for a lesson in each of my dating experiences. I can’t just finish dating someone and not think about it or reflect upon the whole experience. Otherwise, what’s the point? If it doesn’t work out with the guy, you may as well learn something from the experience.
So this is why I think and reflect. I think about the dating experience and try to find a positive out of it no matter how shitty the experience was! If anything, I feel it will make me a better partner when I become one again.