Craven The City

Dating

Where are your manners?

make-online-dating-suck-lessJust because your conversations are online, doesn’t mean courtesy, common decency and your manners can all go out the window! However, it seems to me that a lot of people think they can.

Today, I’m asking where your manners are and I’m talking about online dating.

Recently, I began talking to this guy on Tinder.  And the next thing I knew, we were talking on a daily basis with,  ‘Good mornings’, ‘Good nights’, ‘How was your day?’ and everything in between.

After a week or so, he asked me if I would like to meet. ‘Of course!’ I said.  And so, we made plans to meet for a drink and a casual dinner on the Monday evening.  We hadn’t set concrete plans as to the venue as yet, but as far as I was concerned, it was happening, and I was excited.

On the Saturday night beforehand, we had a seriously long online conversation, lasting around four hours.  We discussed our lives, what we were looking for, books, movies, music and so on.  We found we had a lot in common, and were both really looking forward to meeting each other. Or so I had thought…

On the Sunday morning, I opened my Tinder App to have a look (as you do).  And ‘poof!’ he had disappeared, just like that! No reason, no warning, no goodbye.  I had been ghosted!

As well as of course being disappointed, I was also frustrated! Frustrated that I had just wasted four hours of my valuable time! Time is very precious you know! I’m starting to realize that more and more, so I really don’t appreciate it when someone deliberately wastes it! Was it deliberate? Who knows! But I was annoyed non-the less.

Yes, I had never even met the guy. And yes, we hadn’t even had a phone conversation.  But as far as I’m concerned, I was still ghosted and that still does not give him the right to be rude!

It’s almost as if people forget that when they’re having a conversation with someone behind their computer or behind their smart phone, that there is actually another human being on the other end of the conversation, behind their computer or behind their smart phone.   Who do you think you were talking to? A robot? We are all human beings and we all have feelings you know!

As far as I’m concerned, whether you connect with a person out of meeting at a coffee shop, in a bar, through a friend, on an online dating site, or via a dating app, your manners shouldn’t change.   I don’t care how long you’ve been speaking to the person, or what they may have said, your manners should still remain.  Be honest with the person and say;

  • “Hey, I’m seeing someone else now… So, I can’t meet you. Sorry!’”.
  • “Hi, I’ve decided that I don’t think we’re quite suited. So, I won’t be able to make it on Monday night. I wish you all the best, take care”.
  • “Hi, I’m actually married and my wife has just found out about my account! So, I won’t be coming on Monday!”

I don’t care what your reason is! Just man up and be honest! Don’t just disappear without any warning and don’t be rude or disrespectful, just because you’re not talking to that person face to face.

Remember, there is a real person on the other end of your online conversation and that real person does have real feelings, so treat them that way! – For real! And don’t forget to use your good old fashioned manners!

Have a story about bad manners or some Tinder banter? – I’d love to hear it! Contact me to share your story today!

The first kiss

tumblr_lpjgtePByt1qlnc9qo1_500I don’t know about you but I really enjoy kissing. Who doesn’t right?!  So for me, the first kiss is really important, as I couldn’t possibly see myself spending the rest of my days with anyone who wasn’t a good kisser – what a dull life that would be.

I want to look forward to coming home to that kiss at the end of my day and I want to wake up to it every morning, without dreading the thought of it!

Which leads me to the purpose of this post… The first kiss and why it’s important.

Now I don’t have a first kiss rule as such and I don’t believe that there is a particular date number for when you should be having your first kiss either.  I think if it feels right, then go for it! If it doesn’t, then don’t!  But I do believe that in some cases, it’s better to get the first kiss out of the way sooner rather than later.  Here’s why:

Kissing can show you something about their personality

  • Have you ever had a guy shove his tongue so far down your throat that you felt like you were actually going to be sick? And on the first date? – Well, this guy is not a guy you want to be with, let alone go out with or kiss again. He is clearly over confident, not respectful of what you might want, probably very cocky and is unlikely to have any manners or real etiquette.  Or he could simply be a bad kisser – regardless – Next!
  • What about when a guy ends the date with just a peck on the cheek? This is nice! He is probably a very sweet guy, but this one confuses me at times though.  My dad and my male friends kiss me on the cheek… So, does he just want to be friends with me?  Go out with this guy again, because he obviously has good manners, is respectful and may just be a little shy.  However, if he continues to only kiss you on the cheek, then you may want to query his intentions with you.
  • When he gives you a gentle kiss with a tiny bit of tongue – now this is just perfect. This is when it’s pretty clear. He obviously likes you, he wants to kiss you, he doesn’t want to make you feel physically ill and he wants you to know that he likes you more than just friends – it’s a win-win! Go out with this guy again for sure.  Just make sure the kisses are good ones.

When sparks fly

When you kiss someone you really like it’s meant to feel special.  You’re meant to really enjoy it and it’s meant to feel good.  Sometimes when it’s really good, you even feel a little spark fly and it’s all very exciting!

I dated a guy for a couple of weeks because he was super sweet.  He is still one of the sweetest guys I know and we remain friends.  But I couldn’t get passed the bad kissing.  I am sorry, I may sound like a total bitch, but I just couldn’t!  And you have absolutely no idea how bad it was! I didn’t even know it was possible for someone to be so bad at kissing! It was like a wet fish was being flapped around in my mouth, whilst he was trying to suck out all my saliva, so that I couldn’t swallow or breathe all at the same time.  At the end it felt as if half of my face was wet!  Ewww!  That is NOT how kisses with the one you love are supposed to be!

Looking back on it, perhaps I could have talked to him about it.  Perhaps, I could have taught him how to kiss.  But how on earth do you go about telling someone they make you feel sick when they kiss you and that they need to take a ‘kissing course’? If anyone has done this, I would like to hear about it!

So, whether you kiss him on the first date, the third, or the tenth, remember that there is a little more to it and it may just provide you with some helpful insight! I just hope for your sake the insight is good! But most of all, I hope the kisses are!

Happy kissing! Xx

Would you date a stripper?

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Some say that it doesn’t matter what your partner does for a living.  It doesn’t matter whether he’s a Lawyer or the local garbage man, as long as he treats you the way you deserve to be treated and makes you happy – I tend to agree with this theory and I definitely don’t look for a man or judge him based on his occupation.   However, what if he was a stripper?

I have had a think about this, and I think it may depend on whether or not it’s a full time occupation.  If he’s stripping to get himself through law school or to fund a brilliant new business idea, then good on him, that’s great!  If you can make good money for taking your clothes off in public without feeling embarrassed or violated, then why not?!  However, if stripping is his full time job or “career”, and his lifelong dream is to star in the next Magic Mike movie…then you may want to rethink.

I myself went on a date with a stripper once, and I have to say it was not at all what I expected.  It really proved to me that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Let me explain:

If you met a stripper, what would your initial thought be?  Stop for a second and really think about it.

Your first thought was judgemental wasn’t it?  Don’t lie.  It’s okay. We all judge from time to time even if we don’t like to admit it.  I also think that most of you might assume he wasn’t intelligent.  You also might assume that he’s a little rough and perhaps even a real player – am I right?

Well this too, was what I was expecting when I met ‘Mr Stripper’ for a date.  But I was pleasantly surprised with what I discovered.  He was well dressed, well mannered, articulate, family orientated, kind, driven, very intelligent and stripping, simply to get himself through business school.   So that my friends, reminded me of how you really cannot judge a book by its cover!

We didn’t fall in love and end up together, so it obviously wasn’t meant to be (sorry if you’re disappointed).  But I couldn’t help but wonder, how many women would date a stripper and would you judge those women for doing so? Is a woman dating a male stripper judged the same as a man dating a female one? Or in this case, does sexism still very much apply? And the biggest question that was on my mind was, “How the hell would you introduce him to your parents?!” I know mine wouldn’t be too impressed, especially not my father!

I know we shouldn’t judge people by their occupation, but the fact is…we do! No one can deny that fact! If I was a stripper do you think any mother would want their son going out with me? I wouldn’t think so! But please, correct me if I’m wrong.

So, would you date a stripper and would you be embarrassed when asked about his occupation?  And is the occupation of the person you’re dating really relevant anyway?

I would love to hear your opinions on this one! Ladies and Gentlemen!

Until next time… xx

Swipe right for a wedding

tinder wedding

Once the go-to app for hook ups, Tinder has now become a little more serious, with ‘Tinder Weddings’ actually becoming a thing.  Can you believe it? And Tinder isn’t just for us young at heart now either, even my Mum has had a swipe or several (sorry Mum!).

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the latest online dating craze.  Firstly, have you been living under a rock?! Secondly, Tinder is a dating app which culls a group of men and women in close proximity to you who are also using the app. As there is no long user profile, your choices are based on photos from your Facebook profile, which really is quite superficial.  Hence why it is often referred to and used as a go-to app for hook ups.  Basically, if a person thinks you are attractive they swipe to the right.  If they don’t, then they swipe to the left.  Should you both happen to swipe right, then… Tada! It’s a match!

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Once there is a match, a chat is enabled automatically within the app so you can begin chatting and hopefully arrange to meet.

Sure, you can still try your luck for a hook up, a quick fling, or even a one night stand, and you may even get a lot of them if you’re feeling ‘stud-ly’ enough.  But, if you are looking for love, don’t be discouraged by the people who use it for the other reasons I just mentioned.  I say this, because if my friend had been discouraged and didn’t go back to Tinder for one last shot (or should I say ‘one last swipe’), she wouldn’t have met her Fiancé.

Yes, you heard right, my friend met her Fiancé on Tinder. She’s not the type to meet a guy out at a nightclub or bar, and she had been single for some time, so when a work colleague suggested Tinder to her, she decided to give it a go.  After a few swipes, she got the impression that it was purely for hooks up and decided it wasn’t for her – Not her thing!

However, whilst at a friend’s place one evening, she was persuaded to give it one last shot and that next swipe proved to be her final one.  She chatted to the guy…let’s call him “Mr T” (T for Tinder of course), who was a FIFO worker at the time, for a couple of weeks until the night he flew back into Perth. They met that same night at a bar by the ocean. She told me she wasn’t nervous at all, as “Mr T” made her feel very comfortable and relaxed, as if they had known each other for months.  And so, a Tinder romance blossomed and now, two years later, they are engaged and planning their wedding.

And you know what?  That’s not the only wedding being planned either…recent news articles have cited Tinder as being responsible for more than 1000 engagements!  Who would have thought?

I don’t know about you, but the majority of my Tinder experiences haven’t exactly been pleasant and they definitely haven’t been engagement worthy!  However, hearing my friend’s story and those statistics, has put a more positive light on Tinder for me and has even provided me with a little bit of hope.

Look, I still don’t think I will be going back on there any time soon (I’ve stopped looking remember!).  But for those of you who are still actively looking, I hope this gives you a bit of hope too and perhaps even reminds you that love really can happen and it can happen where you least expect it!

So, with that in mind, would you consider Tinder to find love? Or perhaps you have already? I’d love to hear how your experience went x

 

Some encouraging words from my friend:

Open your mind up to different ways of meeting people. Use Tinder for what you want to gain out of it and don’t be discouraged by the fact that there are people who use it for different reasons to you. One day you never know, you might swipe right on the person that might be standing next to you for the rest of your life.

Valentines Day & Dating…Should you or shouldn’t you?

valentinesValentine’s Day…”A single ladies favourite time of the year!” Said no one ever!

I don’t think couples like it very much either – why is that?  Anyway, regardless of what we think of the day, it is approaching us, and it is going to happen whether we like it or not!

Whether you’ve been dating him for a week, a month, several months or a year, or you’re completely unattached, here’s what you might like to expect and what you might like to do for this year’s edition.

You’ve been dating him for a week

Okay well it’s only been a week.  I’m sorry, but I really don’t think you can expect anything here.

Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday this year, so if he If he is a real gentleman and perhaps even a romantic, he may take you out for a nice lunch or picnic.

But let’s face it; most men will completely forget the day all together unless you remind them.  And no!  It’s only been a week, there is no way in hell you are allowed to remind them.  If however, your need to do something on Valentine’s Day gets the better of you –  remind him if you so desire, but just a little warning… you probably won’t be hearing from him again.

You’ve been dating him for a month

This is when it gets a little interesting.  Depending on how many dates you’ve been on over the month and how much he likes you, this is when I would expect him to arrange a date, nothing too over the top, but a simple and romantic dinner and walk along the beach perhaps.

If you’re wondering what to do if he doesn’t mention it, I would recommend you arrange a night out with the girls, or better yet, think about dating other people.

However, if you’ve really got your heart set on spending Valentine’s with this guy, I think it’s acceptable to casually ask him; “So, have you got any plans for Valentine’s day?”.

You could even suggest something…. “Dinner and a Fringe show Sunday night?”  Followed by, “It’s Valentine’s Day?! I had no idea!”

Click here to browse the Fringe events occurring in Perth this Valentine’s Day.

You’ve been dating him for three months

If you’ve been dating consistently for three months then he should really be stepping up his game now.  Flowers, chocolates, dinner, wine, a movie….the works.  Here’s hoping anyway!

Some of my personal favourite romantic restaurants:

  • Clarence’s, Mount Lawley
  • Modo Mio, Crown Burswood
  • St Michael, Highgate
  • Divido, Mount Hawthorn
  • Duende, Leederville
  • Maltilda Bay Restaurant, Crawley

And it shouldn’t be all on him you know, if you’re a good girlfriend you will buy him something too.  Something I did for a boyfriend was make a beautiful little box filled with gift vouchers for him to use with me.  The gift vouchers included simple things like ‘One home cooked meal’ or ‘One night out on the town’.  But it also included some naughty vouchers for him to use, you get the idea….

If you prefer to buy your gift, here are some other ideas for your male suitor this Valentine’s Day:

  • Does he really like bacon? Buy him chocolate covered bacon or better yet, check out this recipe and make it for him!
  • Does he have a beard? Buy him a beard grooming kit
  • Better yet…. Do you hate his beard? Buy him a shaving set
  • Is he a suit kinda guy? Buy him some personalized love cufflinks

You’ve been dating him for a year – It’s official

You’ve been dating for a year, you’re now an exclusive couple and you’re in love.  Ooh la la! Lucky you!  I have one word for you too…. Jewellery!

A good girlfriend doesn’t hint and nag, or put in specific requests for jewellery though – Spoilt much?!

However, if he asks you what you would like, there’s no harm in making a suggestion right?

I am in love with Rosendorff diamonds right now and am especially loving their ‘special moments pieces.

If you’re dateless

So, you’re dateless, single, alone, lonely, unattached, isolated, without equal, solo, detached (I think you get the picture and I’m sorry if some of these words brought a tear to your eye).   You may even be desperate, but stop right now, don’t fret, don’t worry and don’t cry because being single on Valentine’s Day can actually be really fun! Some singles even organize ‘Anti-Valentine’s Day’ parties, so why not get into the spirit and find one near you?

Like to take the opportunity to meet someone on Valentine’s Day?  Why not go to a singles meet up?  Or the Tinder Party on the Rooftop at the Aviary on Saturday the 13th, where they will be playing Cupid and serving ‘Swipe Right Cocktails’ – Visit the Aviary website for details.

So whether you’ve been dating him for a week, a month, several months or a year, or you’re completely unattached, whether you love or hate the day, and whether you’re spending it with a hot man, your fabulous single girlfriends or at home with your cat, enjoy it! And remember…. It is really only another day Xx

Why you should stop looking

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A wise male friend recently told me:

People don’t look for love… they find it. 

I could not get this out of my head for days! Days I tell you! I just kept replaying it in my head because it really spoke to me.

Why has this never occurred to me before?  Did I really think that I was going to find my true love on Tinder, at speed dating or a singles night?

Will I still date? – Of course!

Will I still talk to men when I’m out?  – Certainly!

Will I continue to scroll through Tinder or any other dating sites for hours on end looking for “him”? – Definitely not!

Why?  – Because people don’t look for love…. They find it!

I will no longer be actively looking. 

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and that what is meant to be will be.  So why have I not applied this to dating?  I suppose a part of me has wanted to control my fate in love, and for a brief while I actually thought I could.  But I now realize that this is not possible, it’s just not practical.   Love has to just happen, naturally.

I don’t know about you, but I am a planner and a real thinker, so simply letting go can be hard for me.  But love really is one of those things in life that you have absolutely no control over.  The only thing/person you will always have control over in your life is yourself (except for maybe when you’re highly intoxicated of course!).

You cannot will the man of your dreams to knock at your door exactly when you want him to. Nor can you make the next man you see be the man of your dreams.  And you certainly can’t just go and buy the perfect boyfriend in a shop (as much as I know my mother would love to do so for me).  It just doesn’t work that way, and besides, my Christmas stocking would never be big enough.

People don’t look for love… they find it. .. So, single ladies out there, I dare you to follow my lead and give this whole stopping looking thing a shot.

The steps to take:

  1. Delete any dating apps you have on your phone
  2. Deactivate all dating website accounts
  3. Refrain from approaching ANY men, ANYWHERE (Yes – this includes via Facebook messenger!)
  4. Focus on YOU
  5. Find a hobby that makes you smile
  6. Keep busy with work and spending quality time with family and friends
  7. Simply don’t look!

If you’re really into men and dating, you may be thinking…. OMG! I am never going to meet a man this way! I’m going to be alone forever! Why don’t I just go down to the pet shop and load my car up with cats right now?!

Hang on….I haven’t finished writing yet.

If a guy actively pursues you, and by this I mean, calling you, messaging you, approaching you and asking you out on more than one occasion, say YES!

I’m not suggesting you stay at home with your cats forever and hide from men completely.

I’m simply saying not to focus on dating and men – Do things differently! I don’t know about you, every girl manages her dating life differently and dates in different ways.  But I know for me, writing a dating blog made it very hard not to focus on men and dating.  Writing a different dating article almost every week, quite obviously caused dating to become a substantial part of my life.  It got to the point where my best friend even said “It’s almost like dating is your second job!”  I don’t want it to be like a job, dating isn’t supposed to be like a job.  It’s supposed to be relaxing and fun!

When dating starts to feel like an exhausting second job, like it has started to for me, then you’re doing it wrong!

Don’t look for him.  When you’re meant to find him, whether ‘him’ be the love of your life, a new friend or just an amazing summer fling, he will find you when he is meant to.

I promise.

3 Reasons to go out with a guy you’re not interested in

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1. To get out of your comfort zone

Getting out of your comfort zone is taking a risk, but risks are what help us grow.

As children, many of us were natural risk-takers. But unfortunately as we get older, we tend to learn to fear failure, we start holding ourselves back and attempting fewer new things. This can be especially true when it comes to dating. The more we are hurt, the more scared we become, and the more scared we become, the less we date. Consequently, dating becomes one of those areas out of our comfort zone.

But wait! Did you know that getting out of your comfort zone will actually increase your confidence!? Whether the date goes really well or awful, I can almost guarantee that you will leave feeling confident and proud of yourself for at least getting out there and meeting someone other than your ordinary type.

2. To learn not to judge a book by its cover

If you’re anything like me, then you tend to be a little too focused on the exterior side of things. You like nice looking things and nice looking men – and who doesn’t? However, sometimes your focus can be so much on how nice/not nice a man looks on the outside, that you forget to look deeper into the inside.

In saying that, it’s pretty difficult to look deeper into a person when you have never been out on a date with them though, isn’t it? You know what I’m going to say next – don’t you?

You guessed it… Next time a guy you don’t find very attractive asks you out, give him a chance! He might be an amazing person and you never know – Sometimes attraction can really grow.

3. To simply be kind

Some girls, (no wait, many girls!) are absolutely stunning, and being absolutely stunning can cause them to be a little full of themselves! We can all be a bit full of ourselves sometimes I’m sure, but some of these girls become so obsessed with how good looking they are, that they begin to lose sight of everyone and everything else around them. Well, everything that is besides how good their new dress makes their ass look or how nice their shade of blonde is after the latest hair treatment.

This is all okay in moderation; we are women in the modern world after all, and pride in our personal appearance is important, but we don’t need to buy into the great deal of pressure this modern world puts us under to look perfect!

So, how about taking the focus away from your pretty little self for just a minute and being kind to that guy who has been chasing you and give him a chance. Meet him for that drink or coffee and get to know him. It may end up being just one date and you may never see him again. Then again, you just might hit it off and notice his inner ‘good looks’ shining through!

I’m not saying you always have to do this, or that you will fall madly in love with the guy you’re not attracted to. I’m just saying that if you give a chance to the guy you wouldn’t normally date, you will probably make his day… and by doing so, you might even make your own too!

Can you relate to this, or have a similar story to share? Or maybe you disagree with me completely? Contact me today – I’m always keen to hear my readers thoughts and stories! xx

It’s time to stop the gushing!

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‘Gush’ – Verb 

To express oneself extravagantly or emotionally  To make an excessive display of sentiment or enthusiasm

I myself have always been somewhat of a ‘gusher’.  I am just easily excited, always have been.  I still get really excited over some of the things which used to excite me as a child.  Things like going out to get my favourite takeaway, being given a present, visiting my mum, or watching my favourite childhood movie.  Recently, whilst on a flight from London, I watched the original ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’.  I was so excited I almost began singing the songs and dancing in my seat without even realizing it.  Admittedly and to my embarrassment, I even teared up a little when Charlie found out he was getting the chocolate factory!

As I have grown up I have new things to be excited about. Things like sex, red wine, French cuisine (more so now than French fries) and even the simple things like spotting the first chilli of the season in my herb garden.

People have pointed out my excitability, some even negatively.  Isn’t that sad?!  Yes, I am all grown up now, but am I not allowed to get excited about the little things anymore? Am I not allowed to gush with excitement when I see a cute baby, perfect a new recipe on my first attempt or get asked out on a date with a cute stranger?  How boring would life be if we didn’t get excited about it?!

With that being said however, being overly excited and ‘gushing’ when dating a new guy may not be the best practice. Now, I’m not saying you’re not allowed to get excited at all, I’m just saying that you may need to monitor and manage your excitement levels. How you handle your excitement and how much of it you share is the key.  Here’s what I mean:

Let’s say I’ve met a new guy, we’ve only been on a couple of dates, but I am really excited about it because he seems amazing! My definition of amazing: He is good looking, funny, has similar interests and goals, dresses well, intelligent, cute and arranged another date at the end of the first one.  So of course I am excited and that’s okay. It would be a bit strange if I wasn’t, right?

However, what if I were to call up all three of my best girlfriends and tell them about it whilst gushing and squealing with excitement? They would probably gush and get excited right along with me – because that’s what girlfriends do. What if I called my Mum to tell her too, and then she got excited about it?

Well…. This creates a whole new level of excitement, because then it’s not only one person (me) who’s excited about this potential man. It’s four other people who are excited too! Why would this be a problem you might ask? Because here is what would probably happen next:

One of my girlfriends messages me to ask how it’s going. Then the two of us message back and forth about his good looks, our witty banter and the potentials of a relationship for the next hour. Then I go to visit my mum for dinner, we have a few red wines and begin talking about it, again getting excited and hopeful, and probably a little tipsy too.

That is all just lovely, when the dating is going really well for a significant length of time and in that circumstance it’s not a problem. How nice to be able to share excitement with your Mum and girlfriends right?! But, what would happen if after a few more dates I never heard from him again? If I really liked him, I would be disappointed, sad and probably quite annoyed.   Get the picture?

To make matters even harder for myself, remember I’ve gushed and got excited about it to my three best friends and my Mum. So the disappointment basically quadruples in size!! Here’s how:

When I next speak to all three of these friends, they will almost definitely ask how the dates with my potential man are going. I will then have to tell them how I never heard from him again and explain that it just didn’t work out. The friends will probably feel sorry for me and want to talk about it and this will inevitably cause my disappointment to grow. I will tell my Mum and she will be disappointed too. Perhaps even more disappointed than me, as she really wants me to find a nice man. So again, further disappointment – Quadrupling!

OK, rewind – Let’s say I’d met a new guy, and only after a couple of dates I am really excited about it because he seems amazing! Imagine I didn’t tell my three best girlfriends or my Mum as much as I had? What if I hadn’t gushed? And just acted logically and calmly, even though I may have been extremely excited on the inside? This doesn’t mean the outcome would change – that the man would have kept seeing me. I would have still been disappointed, but it may have meant less disappointment for me. Because from my experience, the more people I tell, the more it’s talked about and the more excited I get. You see, it’s not only the disappointment which quadruples, but the excitement as well!

4 x excitement = 4 x disappointment!

The inspiration for this particular blog post came from a friend, a friend who told me that she used to get excited and ‘gush’ every time she met a new man. This time, she didn’t, she chose not to. And this time she is in a serious relationship for the first time in years… and she’s happy – Need I say more ladies?

The next time I meet an amazing man there will be no gushing from me. Well… at least not during the early days anyway!

Have a ‘gushing’ story to share?  Contact me for a chat today! xx

The ex files


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You may think asking the guy you’re dating about their ex is a bit ‘cray-cray’.   But what if I told you that by doing this, you could potentially reduce your chances of being hurt?

I have recently decided that this is something we should try asking early on.  Here’s why:

I matched with the guy I was recently dating on Tinder.  Let’s call him “Lemon”.

After my first date with Lemon I wasn’t sure if he was my type, but I wanted to give him a chance because he seemed sweet, kind and most of all very keen.  So what else does a girl need?

He came along at a good time too.  Shockingly, I had just found out that my first love was in a coma and in a critical condition, so I welcomed the distraction.

Lemon turned out to be a good distraction and a supportive one at that.  He let me talk about the situation whenever I needed to (which wasn’t very often – I didn’t want to scare the guy!) And always asked how I was doing.  He was very supportive and when my friend died, he was there to comfort me in one of my darkest moments …  He came over after the funeral and brought me dinner.  He saw me drunk and crying in my pyjamas, with makeup all down my face.  He saw me in a vulnerable place and I let him.

I was happy to have him around to be there for me.   He didn’t have to be, but he chose to be.  He obviously wanted to – so that was nice.

He was very attentive.  The whole time we dated, he messaged or called me every day and often told me that I made him happy.  Therefore, I thought it was going somewhere and I was pleased that I had given him a chance.

We dated for five weeks.  OK, so you may be thinking that five weeks isn’t a very long time and I know it’s not.  But the quality of the relationship was such that after many months of not “seeing anyone”, it was the first time in very long time that I let someone into my home, into my life and into my little world.

As you may have guessed from reading this, like most of my posts, this wasn’t a dating story that ended happily ever after.

Our last date was on a Wednesday.  We went out for dinner and a comedy show and like our previous dates had a great time, with lots of laughs and intimate moments. The following morning he sent me a text asking how I was and we made plans for him to have dinner at my place the following Saturday night.

On the Saturday afternoon, he called me to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to come over as he was tired from work.  I thought it was a little weird, as being tired isn’t much of an excuse.  So I was a little worried and I had a sick feeling in my stomach – it felt like something was off.  Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and to remain positive and hopeful, I told myself that I was just being silly and got on with my day.  In his text he also said that he would call me that evening.  That call did not come, but even so, I was hopeful.

The next day, he confirmed my feeling; he confirmed that I wasn’t just being silly… I now know to always trust my gut. My gut is ALWAYS right!!!

He called me to tell me that his ex-girlfriend had contacted him and he went to see her.  They had broken up a couple of years previously but he said that after seeing her, he was confused and realized that he still had feelings for her.  I asked what that meant for us.  He basically told me that that is why he doesn’t usually date (that was the first I had heard this!), that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and that he just can’t be with anyone right now.

Code for “I’m getting back together with my ex-girlfriend?”    I think so.

As you can imagine, I was in shock and disappointed.  I didn’t say much, I didn’t know what to say. I was just annoyed and fed up – fed up of dating!!!

He knew I was upset – my stony silence was undoubtedly the give away!  He said he would call me that night.  He never did.  I never saw Lemon again.

“It obviously wasn’t meant to be, he obviously wasn’t the one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

I cannot help but wonder that if this was something we had discussed would I have sensed or somehow discovered that he still had feelings for his ex, eventuating in me ending things with him earlier and never getting disappointed in the first place?

There is never any guarantee of course, but perhaps if we approach the subject lightly early on, we can get an idea for whether or not the guy still has feelings for his ex, why they broke up and when.

So, next time you begin dating a guy….. Not on the first date of course, but after a few and if he hasn’t already broached the subject, ask; “So when was your last relationship?”  Just casually, that’s it, nothing too serious!   If he spills too much, rattles on about it for the entire date, gets really drunk, angry and/or cries…. Then run, run Forrest run!

If he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, and I mean not one word at all, then you may want to at least jog…. And see what he comes back with (if anything).

If he is able to talk about it calmly and briefly, without any scary or psycho stories, then you should be pretty safe.  You can walk out of the restaurant with him, perhaps even holding his hand.

Again, there are no guarantees.  Perhaps Lemon didn’t have any feelings for his ex-girlfriend until he saw her again. We will never really know.

So maybe broaching the subject of the ’Ex’ early on is not so ‘cray-cray’ after all – what do you think?

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you would know by now; I have to look for a lesson in each of my dating experiences.   I can’t just finish dating someone and not think about it or reflect upon the whole experience. Otherwise, what’s the point?  If it doesn’t work out with the guy, you may as well learn something from the experience.

So this is why I think and reflect.  I think about the dating experience and try to find a positive out of it no matter how shitty the experience was! If anything, I feel it will make me a better partner when I become one again.

When dating became a mystery game


blind foldAbout 18 months ago, I matched with a guy on tinder.

He’s hot, cute, friendly, intelligent, seems nice, has a decent job, goals and plans, is fit and healthy.  So you could say he ticks all the boxes.  Except for one…. he won’t meet me!  That’s right, he won’t meet me!

Eighteen months on, we are still occasionally talking via text and are still friends on Facebook but again, we have never met. Why might you ask?  I have absolutely no idea!

We have arranged to meet on multiple occasions, but it never happens.  His reasons for not meeting have varied – here are a few:

  • I can’t meet you, I have a meeting about my house plans and I’m not sure what time it’s going to finish
  • I forgot I have a family dinner today
  • I’ve been on my boat all day and I’ve only just got back
  • I don’t think I’m quite ready to date yet
  • I don’t want to hurt you (since when is meeting someone for a drink going to hurt me? What exactly is he planning to do to me afterwards?!)
  • I’m too tired tonight
  • I’m sick with a cold and I don’t want you to catch my germs
  • I’m bed ridden. I’ve never been this sick before

I’m sure there are more that I haven’t kept note of, but you get the idea!

Granted, he works away during the week so he only has two days a week available, but even so, he can’t find a couple of hours during those two days, within 18 months?!

I could be wrong, but I get the impression that he is simply scared and I can’t decide whether I think this is cute or pathetic. He tells me he hasn’t dated much and has not been in a relationship for several years. Part of me thinks that maybe there is something wrong with him, but then I remind myself that I too, have been single for over two years, so I could say the same about myself.

On a couple of occasions I’ve told him enough is enough!  I’m wasting my time.  Why do we keep talking when we’re not going to go out on a date or even meet; what is the point? I’ve even told him to stop contacting me and then there have been times we have gone a couple of months without connecting, but he invariably ends up messaging me.  Why does the contact continue? Do I have some hold on him? Is it the way I look or the way I talk?  Or perhaps he’s just bored.  So… Is he scared just an asshole?

And the biggest question that you may be asking ….Why does she continue to respond? Is she so desperate that she feels the need to keep in contact with a guy who won’t even agree to meet for a date?!

I wouldn’t say I’m desperate.  I would say I’m curious.  Who wouldn’t be?  And I don’t know about you, but when I’m single I get a little lonely sometimes and during those times it’s nice to have someone to talk to.  Even if it is just a little bit of harmless flirtation over text or Tinder.

And if I do ever meet him (and that’s a big if!), at least I can say I’ve done it, I’ve met him! At the very least I will find out whether or not he is real! My friend asked me if he was a Unicorn… Now that would make for a great story!

His latest contact tells me he is more open to meeting someone now than ever before … so perhaps we will meet soon.  I wait with baited breath.

Stay tuned … Xx

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