Craven The City

Month: October 2015

It’s time to stop the gushing!


‘Gush’ – Verb 

To express oneself extravagantly or emotionally  To make an excessive display of sentiment or enthusiasm

I myself have always been somewhat of a ‘gusher’.  I am just easily excited, always have been.  I still get really excited over some of the things which used to excite me as a child.  Things like going out to get my favourite takeaway, being given a present, visiting my mum, or watching my favourite childhood movie.  Recently, whilst on a flight from London, I watched the original ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’.  I was so excited I almost began singing the songs and dancing in my seat without even realizing it.  Admittedly and to my embarrassment, I even teared up a little when Charlie found out he was getting the chocolate factory!

As I have grown up I have new things to be excited about. Things like sex, red wine, French cuisine (more so now than French fries) and even the simple things like spotting the first chilli of the season in my herb garden.

People have pointed out my excitability, some even negatively.  Isn’t that sad?!  Yes, I am all grown up now, but am I not allowed to get excited about the little things anymore? Am I not allowed to gush with excitement when I see a cute baby, perfect a new recipe on my first attempt or get asked out on a date with a cute stranger?  How boring would life be if we didn’t get excited about it?!

With that being said however, being overly excited and ‘gushing’ when dating a new guy may not be the best practice. Now, I’m not saying you’re not allowed to get excited at all, I’m just saying that you may need to monitor and manage your excitement levels. How you handle your excitement and how much of it you share is the key.  Here’s what I mean:

Let’s say I’ve met a new guy, we’ve only been on a couple of dates, but I am really excited about it because he seems amazing! My definition of amazing: He is good looking, funny, has similar interests and goals, dresses well, intelligent, cute and arranged another date at the end of the first one.  So of course I am excited and that’s okay. It would be a bit strange if I wasn’t, right?

However, what if I were to call up all three of my best girlfriends and tell them about it whilst gushing and squealing with excitement? They would probably gush and get excited right along with me – because that’s what girlfriends do. What if I called my Mum to tell her too, and then she got excited about it?

Well…. This creates a whole new level of excitement, because then it’s not only one person (me) who’s excited about this potential man. It’s four other people who are excited too! Why would this be a problem you might ask? Because here is what would probably happen next:

One of my girlfriends messages me to ask how it’s going. Then the two of us message back and forth about his good looks, our witty banter and the potentials of a relationship for the next hour. Then I go to visit my mum for dinner, we have a few red wines and begin talking about it, again getting excited and hopeful, and probably a little tipsy too.

That is all just lovely, when the dating is going really well for a significant length of time and in that circumstance it’s not a problem. How nice to be able to share excitement with your Mum and girlfriends right?! But, what would happen if after a few more dates I never heard from him again? If I really liked him, I would be disappointed, sad and probably quite annoyed.   Get the picture?

To make matters even harder for myself, remember I’ve gushed and got excited about it to my three best friends and my Mum. So the disappointment basically quadruples in size!! Here’s how:

When I next speak to all three of these friends, they will almost definitely ask how the dates with my potential man are going. I will then have to tell them how I never heard from him again and explain that it just didn’t work out. The friends will probably feel sorry for me and want to talk about it and this will inevitably cause my disappointment to grow. I will tell my Mum and she will be disappointed too. Perhaps even more disappointed than me, as she really wants me to find a nice man. So again, further disappointment – Quadrupling!

OK, rewind – Let’s say I’d met a new guy, and only after a couple of dates I am really excited about it because he seems amazing! Imagine I didn’t tell my three best girlfriends or my Mum as much as I had? What if I hadn’t gushed? And just acted logically and calmly, even though I may have been extremely excited on the inside? This doesn’t mean the outcome would change – that the man would have kept seeing me. I would have still been disappointed, but it may have meant less disappointment for me. Because from my experience, the more people I tell, the more it’s talked about and the more excited I get. You see, it’s not only the disappointment which quadruples, but the excitement as well!

4 x excitement = 4 x disappointment!

The inspiration for this particular blog post came from a friend, a friend who told me that she used to get excited and ‘gush’ every time she met a new man. This time, she didn’t, she chose not to. And this time she is in a serious relationship for the first time in years… and she’s happy – Need I say more ladies?

The next time I meet an amazing man there will be no gushing from me. Well… at least not during the early days anyway!

Have a ‘gushing’ story to share?  Contact me for a chat today! xx

The ex files

files 2

You may think asking the guy you’re dating about their ex is a bit ‘cray-cray’.   But what if I told you that by doing this, you could potentially reduce your chances of being hurt?

I have recently decided that this is something we should try asking early on.  Here’s why:

I matched with the guy I was recently dating on Tinder.  Let’s call him “Lemon”.

After my first date with Lemon I wasn’t sure if he was my type, but I wanted to give him a chance because he seemed sweet, kind and most of all very keen.  So what else does a girl need?

He came along at a good time too.  Shockingly, I had just found out that my first love was in a coma and in a critical condition, so I welcomed the distraction.

Lemon turned out to be a good distraction and a supportive one at that.  He let me talk about the situation whenever I needed to (which wasn’t very often – I didn’t want to scare the guy!) And always asked how I was doing.  He was very supportive and when my friend died, he was there to comfort me in one of my darkest moments …  He came over after the funeral and brought me dinner.  He saw me drunk and crying in my pyjamas, with makeup all down my face.  He saw me in a vulnerable place and I let him.

I was happy to have him around to be there for me.   He didn’t have to be, but he chose to be.  He obviously wanted to – so that was nice.

He was very attentive.  The whole time we dated, he messaged or called me every day and often told me that I made him happy.  Therefore, I thought it was going somewhere and I was pleased that I had given him a chance.

We dated for five weeks.  OK, so you may be thinking that five weeks isn’t a very long time and I know it’s not.  But the quality of the relationship was such that after many months of not “seeing anyone”, it was the first time in very long time that I let someone into my home, into my life and into my little world.

As you may have guessed from reading this, like most of my posts, this wasn’t a dating story that ended happily ever after.

Our last date was on a Wednesday.  We went out for dinner and a comedy show and like our previous dates had a great time, with lots of laughs and intimate moments. The following morning he sent me a text asking how I was and we made plans for him to have dinner at my place the following Saturday night.

On the Saturday afternoon, he called me to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to come over as he was tired from work.  I thought it was a little weird, as being tired isn’t much of an excuse.  So I was a little worried and I had a sick feeling in my stomach – it felt like something was off.  Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and to remain positive and hopeful, I told myself that I was just being silly and got on with my day.  In his text he also said that he would call me that evening.  That call did not come, but even so, I was hopeful.

The next day, he confirmed my feeling; he confirmed that I wasn’t just being silly… I now know to always trust my gut. My gut is ALWAYS right!!!

He called me to tell me that his ex-girlfriend had contacted him and he went to see her.  They had broken up a couple of years previously but he said that after seeing her, he was confused and realized that he still had feelings for her.  I asked what that meant for us.  He basically told me that that is why he doesn’t usually date (that was the first I had heard this!), that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and that he just can’t be with anyone right now.

Code for “I’m getting back together with my ex-girlfriend?”    I think so.

As you can imagine, I was in shock and disappointed.  I didn’t say much, I didn’t know what to say. I was just annoyed and fed up – fed up of dating!!!

He knew I was upset – my stony silence was undoubtedly the give away!  He said he would call me that night.  He never did.  I never saw Lemon again.

“It obviously wasn’t meant to be, he obviously wasn’t the one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

I cannot help but wonder that if this was something we had discussed would I have sensed or somehow discovered that he still had feelings for his ex, eventuating in me ending things with him earlier and never getting disappointed in the first place?

There is never any guarantee of course, but perhaps if we approach the subject lightly early on, we can get an idea for whether or not the guy still has feelings for his ex, why they broke up and when.

So, next time you begin dating a guy….. Not on the first date of course, but after a few and if he hasn’t already broached the subject, ask; “So when was your last relationship?”  Just casually, that’s it, nothing too serious!   If he spills too much, rattles on about it for the entire date, gets really drunk, angry and/or cries…. Then run, run Forrest run!

If he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, and I mean not one word at all, then you may want to at least jog…. And see what he comes back with (if anything).

If he is able to talk about it calmly and briefly, without any scary or psycho stories, then you should be pretty safe.  You can walk out of the restaurant with him, perhaps even holding his hand.

Again, there are no guarantees.  Perhaps Lemon didn’t have any feelings for his ex-girlfriend until he saw her again. We will never really know.

So maybe broaching the subject of the ’Ex’ early on is not so ‘cray-cray’ after all – what do you think?

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you would know by now; I have to look for a lesson in each of my dating experiences.   I can’t just finish dating someone and not think about it or reflect upon the whole experience. Otherwise, what’s the point?  If it doesn’t work out with the guy, you may as well learn something from the experience.

So this is why I think and reflect.  I think about the dating experience and try to find a positive out of it no matter how shitty the experience was! If anything, I feel it will make me a better partner when I become one again.

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