Craven The City

Month: June 2015

Is it time to ditch “The dating list”?

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At some point in our lives, many of us women have what we call “The dating list” for when we’re dating, to help us find our “good on paper” guy.

We make a list of all the things we would like in our ideal partner.

Some of us even break our list up into categories, such as;

 

 

 

The ‘Must haves’

Because some things you really must have!

For example, let’s take intelligence. If you’re an intelligent woman (like so many of us are) there would probably be nothing worse than marrying an airhead with whom you could never have a decent and mentally stimulating conversation with.

The ‘I would likes’

There are always things that you would really like, but you can live without. For instance, a six pack. We all want a nice six pack… one of those ones that you could almost grate cheese on, but we don’t need to be with a man with a six pack.

I’ve always had a list and that list includes the following things (not necessarily in order of importance):

    • Smart
    • Good looking
    • Good job
    • Kind
    • Giving
    • Emotionally stable
    • Wants children
    • Makes me laugh
    • Common interests (i.e. enjoys travel and dining out
    • Similar values and morals
    • Driven
    • Confident
    • Tall

I’ve been told I’m too picky when it comes to men. When I am told this, I like to respond with:

 

I’m looking for a life partner, not a couch!!

 

Feel free to use this one next time one of your coupled up friends questions the reason for your current single status – I feel your pain!

I am however, starting to re-think this whole list thing.  I’m even starting to think it may be time to ditch the list all together! (I can barely believe I just typed these words onto the page, as I’m a list kinda gal). But the truth is, the more I date and the more dating failures and mishaps I go through, the longer my list seems to become.

Sure, it’s great to know what you want.  And you definitely shouldn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve, because you deserve the best.  However, I cannot help but wonder, what if having a list is actually restricting us from finding the type of man we want, rather than increasing our chances to meet him? Perhaps we would gain access to more of the colourful fish in that sparkly single sea if we simply let go and didn’t think about the list we keep in the bottom drawer of our dresser.

If we meet a guy who makes us happy…shouldn’t that be enough?

And if that is enough, is it time we simply ditched “The dating list”?

I will be ditching my list for now to see if it improves my own luck in love. You may decide to hold onto yours, and that’s okay.  But if you do, please do me one favour…make sure your list includes one thing, right at the top of your list:  “He makes me happy!”.

If he makes you happy, then nothing else really matters.

How long should you wait to sleep with him?

couple_having_sex__medium_4x3You’ve been on a few dates with a guy, you really like him and he’s smoking hot, so you really want to sleep with him, but you’re worried that he might think you’re too easy, lose interest or most importantly lose his respect for you.  Sound familiar ladies?

So when is the right time to sleep with him and how long should you wait?

It may sound silly, but I think it matters.  Because the fact is, if you sleep with a guy on the first date it is unlikely that you will hear from him again.  Or, you will hear from him again but it may only be strictly in a ‘booty call’ sense.  He may tell you he doesn’t want a relationship or use a similar excuse.   Maybe he genuinely doesn’t want a relationship, or maybe he does, but he may not want one with you because you’ve made it too easy for him.  He may wonder how many other guys you’ve slept with and he may not have any respect for you at all.

So, how soon is too soon?

I’m not one of those girls who have a ’10 date rule’, as I don’t believe you can put a set timeframe on it and this can differ from person to person.  I do however, believe that you should wait until you’re comfortable and it feels right for you.  I recommend that you wait for a few other things to happen first too.

Such as:

Multiple and frequent dates

Again, I can’t tell you an exact number.  But if he’s taking you on multiple dates and they are relatively frequent, then he is keen and is probably worthy of you (you know what part of you I’m talking about).

 

Wait for some action

Not sexual action, but him playing out his words with actions. Showing you what he said he was going to do, taking you out on a date when he says he’s going to take you out on a date!  In other words – does he walk the talk? See my recent article ‘Actions speak louder than words’, for more examples.

 

He’s given you the impression he wants more

You can never be absolutely certain with the opposite sex or with anyone for that matter, but you can have an idea.  For example, if the guy you’re dating tells you he’s not interested in a relationship and is recently single and you’re looking for more, then you definitely shouldn’t sleep with him.

This may sound pretty obvious, but I have seen plenty of women do this and have done it myself in the past.  You really like someone, so you hope and pray that if they just spend more time with you, have amazing sex with you and get to know what an absolutely awesome woman you are, then they might just change their mind and want a relationship with you.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but this type of occurrence is rare, when a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship he usually really doesn’t want a relationship, so don’t risk yourself getting hurt or disappointed by giving too much of yourself and sleeping with him.

There is of course always the exception to the rule… I have a friend who had a drunken one night stand on a holiday and he is now her partner of 4 years.  He even asked her to move interstate so that they could be together!  So yes, there is the exception.  Just don’t bank on it happening to you.

And on the other end of the scale, just because you wait a decent amount of time to sleep with the guy you’re dating, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to work or that they’re going to be a genuine guy looking for a relationship either.

About a year ago, I was set up with a guy by a family member, I liked him and we dated for a two months.   We went on about 10 dates, 10 good dates and he was even my date to my Cousin’s wedding.  On the 10th date I slept with him, and never saw him again. A couple of weeks later (you read right, a couple of weeks later!) he sent me a Facebook messaging telling me that he was not looking for a relationship.  It would have been nice if he had told me that a little earlier, right?

You may sleep with one guy on the third date and another on the twentieth, one of them may turn out to be the love of your life, or they might both turn to shit.  But the main thing is….protect yourself!  And I’m not talking pharmaceuticals (though that is very important too!)

Protect your heart! Protect your heart by thinking before you act and ask yourself the following questions prior to leaping into bed:

  • Are you comfortable?
  • Does it feel right?
  • Do you feel as if he respects you?
  • Do you really like him?
  • Are the kisses amazing?
  • Does he make you laugh?
  • Are you having fun?
  • Has he taken you out on multiple dates?
  • Do you get the impression he wants the same things as you do?

If you can answer yes to all of these questions, then you’re probably ready for some bed time.

Be safe and enjoy ladies… 😉 xx

Is modern technology destroying dating?

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Take a moment to think back to the days when we didn’t have all of the modern technology we do now, the days when we weren’t so reliant on it, the days when we would pick up the phone and call someone, rather than send a text message and wait for a reply, or sit and stare at our iPhones watching the little typing dots.  You know the routine, they start, they stop, they start, then they stop again, and you wonder what the other person is trying to write to you.  Sometimes they stop typing all together.  And you of course know they’ve read your message, so you wonder when they’re going to reply.   If it’s a heated or exciting text conversation, you can often be left in suspense for a long time!

When it comes to dating, sometimes I actually get frustrated when a guy sends me a text message.  Why can’t we just have a conversation on the phone like we used to?  Now just planning a simple date seems to take a cycle of text messages, with some just about requiring a code expert to interpret!

I think that maybe dating would have been easier then.  I’m sure there would have been less waiting and a little less wondering or simply a little less emphasis on it all and perhaps we wouldn’t have thought or worried about it all so much.

What doesn’t help, are the number of mediums for contacting our dates nowadays.  Rather than just going home and checking our answering machines like we would have done twenty years ago, we now have to check a number of mediums to know whether or not our date is well… “into us”

These days, for many singles, it usually goes a little something like this:

Mobile

First you check your mobile and it’s not uncommon to have multiple mobiles these days either. You check for any text messages, picture messages, missed phone calls or video calls.

At times, you may even go back to the last text you sent to make sure it sent properly.  Sometimes even hours later, I go back to the message and discover it hasn’t even been delivered! Surely Apple knows how to deliver a message by now.  What’s up with that?!

Then you have to send it as a text message. Why?  Why isn’t the Imessage working?  Great!

Social Media

Then, you check your social media accounts such as Facebook and Twitter.  You check if there are any private messages, wall posts, pokes, photo likes, photo comments, post likes, post comments and so on.  Then you will probably begin trawling your news feed for any updates and the next thing you know, you’ve been on Facebook for over an hour without even realizing any time has passed!  Sound familiar?

Email

Then you check your email. You probably have multiple email addresses too.   I myself have one personal, one for my blog and one for work.  I usually don’t give men my email addresses, but if you do, then you may decide to check there too!

Dating Site

If you’ve met the guy via online dating, you’ve got to log in and check there. He could have messaged you on there right?

Then you may as well check your other messages and matches while you’re on there.  So, another hour passes by.  Whoops!

Home Phone

In this day and age you probably don’t even have a home phone, let alone use it.  But if you do, you will need to check that too.  Remember when you used to check whether or not there was a little red light flashing with the number of messages?  – Those were the days.

 

So then after all of that, if you haven’t heard from the guy you’re dating, you’re probably feeling pretty damn disappointed!  But do you think you are possibly more disappointed than you would have been prior to this outbreak in modern technology?  Perhaps going to less effort, and checking only one medium may have made the disappointment and possible rejection easier to take.

Back in the old days, men could use the ‘busy’ excuse and women would probably have believed it.  Because they didn’t have their phones permanently glued to their hands or permanently lodged in their jeans pockets like some of them do now.  They had to wait until they got home to call you, or they had to run to their local phone box using any spare change they could find.

So readers, I ask you this:

Is modern technology destroying dating?   Or do we just think that it is?

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